Here we go again…
I can’t believe I’m here, AGAIN. There’s no way out. I feel heavy. I feel hopeless. I can faintly see the light out. I can picture people going about their life: parents playing with children, people at work, grocery shopping. It's just another day. Me, I have the dark cloud parked right above me, and it’s raining hard.
The inner dialogue started:
“I can’t do this.”
“This is too much.”
“I need help.”
…whatever it says, all that kind of stuff.
Seriously, it feels like there is no way out. And then, somehow, I convince myself to try this new app, just try it. (Today it’s an app, a few weeks ago it was a yoga DVD, before that, a morning run). Anyway, today, the carrot on the stick is this app- called Fabulous, by the way, if you’re wondering. It has an ab workout, only 5 minutes.
I try it.
It helps.
I see what else the app has…a 7 minute cardio workout. I try that.
Woo, my blood is flowing. I’m sweating, and I’m back in the game. I have enough motivation now for my morning pranayama (breathing exercise) and meditation.
Wow, I can’t believe I had to learn that lesson again. AGAIN, for the gajillionth time, and that’s without exaggerating. In Ayurveda, we learn that this light, stimulating activity can lift the heavy moods associated with kapha dosha. It also gives us resources.
Whether you look at it from an Ayurvedic perspective or not, you can start to observe your own cycles. What do your highs and lows look like? What makes you feel off-balance, like you aren’t quite established in your own center? I am getting to know these patterns within myself more and more intimately, leaning in.
These patterns, they’re not just going to disappear, not without effort. So lean in.
How?
First, observe. Just start to notice the key players.
Then take note of resources that worked for YOU in the past. I can remember a time, when I had just moved to a new place. I felt the fresh, clean slate of a new life. I created a morning routine for myself of throwing on headphones and dancing to my heart’s content. That made me happy, and it helped me feel clear.
What are your resources? What brings you back to center? It can be simple. This is not the place to over-complicate.
Then go back and start to tease out the players--knowing you have resources when you need them. Listen to the voices. Is one more aggressive? Is it making demands of you? Is it trying to force things? Does another aspect of you just want to let go? Is it more emotional, trying to enjoy what is?
This is a classic battle between the masculine- the form, the one doing, and the feminine- the limitless creative, the dreamer, the one being. We have both, and they both have feelings, needs, and desires.
Explore them- whether through visual arts, writing, music, embodied dance, or even verbalizing what they would say. Ask them questions. I like to blend the disciplines, or may use different ones on different days. Saraswati J. Miller has taught me a lot about this. She taught me draw them out so that I could see them on the page, even abstractly. It may be there, crying or screaming out. Perhaps the two sides are fighting or struggling against each other. Then I leave them there, on the page for me to see. I stand up, and I act them out, or rather dance them out, this battle. What does it feel like in my body? When I’m feeling down my shoulders cave, my heart closes, and my gaze lowers. I sit down, close to the ground. When my inner masculine is raging, I’m full-on, jaw clenched, deep in some duty I’ve assumed. I’m tense all over, going through recurring thoughts of how I need to finish this job. And I dance it out. I give these wild and strict parts of me a stage to dance upon. I give them the spotlight. I let them share. I might speak from their perspective. I just let it flow. I let them dialogue. I seek integration.
Integration
These are all passengers on the plane, and we all have to learn to get along, or it’s going to be a long, painful ride. And seriously, no one wants that. I want to know everyone’s needs so I can feel whole again – not conflicted, not like I’m shutting parts of myself off. I want to be intuitive AND get things done. This requires communication and understanding on both sides.
…and it’s a process.
As much as I want to turn the chapter and get my next lesson, I keep getting pop quizzes that show that I didn’t fully learn the material. Each time it comes up, it shows that I only studied for the last test. I might have gotten a glimpse of insight, but it obviously didn’t sink in too deeply. I must have thrown out the info, thinking I wouldn’t need it again.
Well, I was wrong. That’s where the cycles come in. The lesson isn’t something I can learn quickly and move on from. I don’t know if it’s karmic or what, I just know that these patterns have been happening a particular way, within me, my whole life. And I am only now finally getting that I have to work with them on a regular basis, as in daily, in order to create a new groove, a newly integrated me.
I look forward to using these blogs to share my journey as I gain, use, and share resources to empower you on your path.
As Nahko says, “Find your medicine and use it.” Reflect. You have the tools. Use what has worked before, and you may discover a new tool along the way. Reach out, comment, let me know you’re listening. I’m a resource too. We’re all in this together.
Love and Light,
Isabel